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Cooking Nightmare

Gordon Ramsay superimposed atop fireI am completely in love with Gordon Ramsay. He is tall and intimidating and he has great hair. I love it when he shouts. I love it when he curses. Sometimes when I am slicing potatoes and celery for a pot roast, I imagine Chef Ramsay shouting at me angrily. I can’t help but beam. “Wipe that stupid grin off your face!” imaginary Ramsay shouts at me.

But there is such conflict in his brow, such tenderness in his soft blue eyes! He calls women “love” and “darling” in this perfect, inoffensively sexist way, except in the kitchen, where he’s all growls and snarls and pepper and fire. But he looks so sheepish when he accidentally breaks a plate—he cannot stop apologizing. He tries to disappear, but he can’t, because he is over six feet tall.

In the kitchen, Chef Ramsay is a benevolent dictator. “Would you just listen to him!” I shout at the television defensively. I cry during every episode of Kitchen Nightmares, and also at one episode of The F Word, the episode where Gordon Ramsay has to decide whether to slaughter a pig. I cannot understand how he is capable of furrowing his entire face; my heart breaks.

I think the reason I prefer Hell’s Kitchen to all the American Idols and Top Designers is, I have no opinions whatsoever. In Hell’s Kitchen, the only person I’m cheering for is Gordon Ramsay. Every contestant is a mess, and it isn’t as if I can taste the paella the Red Team bungled (“This is shit! Utter shit! Take off your apron! Get out!”). Until Magnavox invents Smell-o-vision, I’ll have to take it on Chef Ramsay’s word alone that the Red Team’s paella is shit. My only opinion is Gordon Ramsay’s.

In fact, my Hell’s Kitchen fandom is wholly predicated on my trust in Gordon Ramsay. He is impeccable; he has perfect judgement.

kitchen NIGHTMARE

...Oh.

3 responses to “Cooking Nightmare” »

  1. kentdoggydog says:

    I love me some Mr. Ramsey, but I can barely stand to watch Hell’s Kitchen with its over-dramatic “reality” style. Kitchen Nightmares I can definitely get behind, and I’ll now have to be checking out The F Word, which I had not heard of; thanks for that.

    This game, though….hmmmm…

    If it’s anything like the Monolith Burger-building mini-game from Space Quest IV, it may find a place in my heart and/or stomach.

  2. librarian says:

    I love Hell’s Kitchen. I watch it on Fox’s website (it’s the poor girl’s DVR!), and I’ve been dying to watch this season’s finale. Today, however, I stupidly read through all the comments on Kotaku, and of course someone spoiled the finale. I admit it: I screamed.

    But I do not love Gordon Ramsay because of Hell’s Kitchen—I think Alex Koppelman does a good job of lambasting the U.S. version of Hell’s Kitchen here. Koppelman’s piece also alludes to how The F Word is genuinely moving. Like, there is real and subtle drama, not the forced melodrama of Hell’s Kitchen.

    I did know, just from watching Kitchen Nightmares episodes, that Gordon Ramsay’s culinary philosophy is to keep it all relatively simple and straightforward. But because of his edited demeanor on U.S. television—most of which is clearly for show—I think people expect, not just a cartoonish person, but also cartoonish food. Toward the end of “Notes of a Gastronome: the Taming of the Chef,” Ramsay receives mild-to-negative press from New York food critics who expected more showmanship. It’s as if they expected someone who shouts so much to serve his food with paper umbrellas and cans of Sterno and on fire and glittering and I don’t even know what. Shame.

  3. Hitokiri941 says:

    Hell’s Kitchen rox my sox. I’ve heard of Kitchen Nightmares, but haven’t actually given it a watch yet.(LOLz, sounds weird).

    Anyone see the season premiere of Burn Notice?

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